


If I lose myself

by furiousflamewolf



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Homophobic Language, Hurt, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-10-20 15:56:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17625359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/furiousflamewolf/pseuds/furiousflamewolf
Summary: Cristo is in a situation he is sure he will never get out. Everything is Luca Zidanes fault.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Song: If I lose myself, One Republic

Luca was putting on his gloves when two arms were around his waist. He already knew who it was. Cristo. The other had started hugging him and touching him. Luca had noticed. A hand would be on his shoulder. Or on his neck. Cristo would laugh happily at that. There was this feeling in Luca's stomach. He didn't like it. Cristo touching him like that felt wrong. They were just teammates maybe friends. A lot of Spaniards were touchy. It still bothered Luca. He has no idea why.

He finally snaps one time after training. Stop. Stop it already. Enough was enough. It was like Cristo was doing this on purpose. As if Cristo liked him THAT way. Maybe Luca is getting paranoid. He snaps. 

"Fuck off already stop touching and hugging me. Stop it. It's disgusting. Don't tell me you are one of THEM."

Something in Cristos face changes. He leaves without saying a word. 

Cristo was running lap after lap. They had a game in the next days and they had to be prepared. Luca had been promoted to the first squad after Kiko Casilla had left for Leeds United. Cristo should be happy ?? Luca was his teammate. Even Javi had talked about the first team. Luca was still their goalkeeper. He shouldn't feel high and might because he was Zidanes son. 

If it wasn't for that thing Cristo might have even liked him. The problem is Cristo likes the guy. Maybe even more than like him. He had noticed a while ago. When he had woken up in the morning and had to shower with cold water. He ignored it. Someone like Luca Zidane wasn't interested in him and Cristo had no intention of destroying the team dynamic because he was having a teenage crush.

"Cristo ?? Cristo ?? CRISTO !!"

Cristo shakes his head and looks at Javi who is walking besides him. Damn Luca Zidane who had claimed his brain. Cristo turns his attention towards Javi. Who chats excitedly about the next game. They would play against Sevilla in the next game. 

"Are we gonna room again ??"

Cristo nods and stretches his legs one last time. A hand squeezes his shoulder and they make their way to the showers. He really is trying to ignore Luca who is standing next to him. Making Cristo sigh. His problems were his feelings for a guy who would never return them. There was no point in trying and there was no point in hurting. 

With a yawn Cristo walks towards his car. He had held some small talk with Luca since realizing his feelings. He had distanced himself on his own. There was no way Luca was interested in him anyway. An excited puppy greets Cristo and he picks up Connor who proceeds to lick his face and wag his tail. That night he dreams of Luka like he had done the countless other nights. He wakes up the same, showering with cold water. 

The next day the play against Sevilla and lose. 

Luca can't focus. He is following Cristo with his eyes. He literally can't take his eyes off him. What the hell is going on ?? His eyes halt on Cristos back and then they slowly wander to his ass. Luca shakes his head forcefully. He isn't into men. He the eldest son of the legendary Zinedine Zidane. He is not gay damnit. 

Especially he is not gay for one of his teammates. That's ridiculous. While being distracted by Cristo and especially Cristos ass, he doesn't notice a ball flying past his face right into the net. Confused Luca looks behind himself. What the hell had just happened ?? He hadn't even seen the damn ball. On half time Cristo approaches him. Asking what the hell that was. 

Luca ignores him until Cristo grabs him by the shirt and shakes him forcefully, making Luca's head spin. He pushes Cristo away. Snarling at him.

"What the hell is going on ?? How the hell did we concede that goal. Were you even watching the damn ball ??"

Luca breathes out slowly through the nose. He wants to scream at the other and tell him that it's his fault that he is distracted. 

They lose against Sevilla 4:0.

Luca is the last one to exit the locker room. He doesn't feel like himself. Out of the corner of his eye he see Cristo approach him. He has got no strenght to fight with anyone. Especially not with the other. 

"What ?? Do you think only because you are Zidanes son you are any better than us ??"

Something in Luca snaps. He throws himself at his teammate. Punching him in the face. Over and over again. Luca had become a goalkeeper to not become his father. He was Zidanes son and that's what they would always see in him. 

Zidanes son not Luca.

There is yelling and Luca trembles when he sees in what state Cristo is really in. Arms pry him away. Javi helping the other up. Luca has no idea why he had done that. He wasn't into Cristo. He wasn't fucking gay. He was Zidanes son and that's what he would always be. Cristo would never understand what kind of burden and pressure Luca was carrying with himself every day.

"Just shut the fuck up and stay away from me you faggot."

There is a dangerous gleam in Cristos bloody face. 

Javi helps Cristo up and they go to the medical room. His coach is furious and demands to speak to Luca alone. In hindsight it hadn't been a good idea to lash out at Cristo like that. Luca knows. He shouldn't have done that. Coach tells him he is suspended for the next three games. Luca sighs. He knows very well that he deserves it. 

He also owes Cristo an apology. If Luca were Cristo he wouldn't forgive what he had just done. Luca doesn't want any forgiveness. Coach also warned him that it was a serious accusation what Luca had said to his teammate. Luca had complicated everything because of damn gay panic. 

He isn't a homophobe. He really isn't. He knows of a few guys in the first squad team who are a thing.

Toni and Lucas. 

He isn't homophobic. He really isn't. Isn't he ?? Luca doesn't know what to believe anymore. He is confused. So incredibly confused. He has to apologize to Cristo. Not only because Coach said so but because Luca genuinely feels guilty. He knocks on Cristos and Javis door and waits.

The door opens slightly. It's not Cristo but Javi. Of course it is Javi. Luca humiliated and embarrassed Cristo in front of the whole squad and the coach. Javi gives him a hard look. Luca looks at his feet. He really had fucked up. Big time.

"What do you want ??", Javi literary hisses with so much venom in his voice that Luca thought he could get poisoned and die on the spot.

He opens his mouth but closes it right away, like the door is shut in his face immediately. 

"What did he want Javito ??"

Javi shrugs and goes to sit next to Cristos bed. Rubbing his back in comfort, he expects Cristo to slap his hand away or something but the other remains silent.

"I know I have no right to ask but…is it true ??"

Cristo doesn't bother to lift his head nor does he bother to reply to his friend. Javi had no right to ask and it wasn't anyone's business. Cristos goal is to make it into the first team. If someone got to know that he was into men his career is over. He is too young to stop playing. 

"You know even if it is true it doesn't bother me you are still my friend."

Cristo snorts into his pillow and avoids Javis eyes, which he can feel on his back. They go to sleep after a while. Javi not asking him again. Not that Cristo can sleep anyway. He was a fool. That guy was Zidanes son, rationally there had never been a chance for Cristo. He knows that. He had hoped though.

That hope had been crushed like a fly would get crushed. 

Luca approaches him to the way to the teambus. Cristo avoids him and goes to sit in the back with Javi. Even though he can't hear because of the music that is blaring through his headphones, he feels his teammates eyes on him. He can feel them whisper between themselves. They look at him and when Cristo catches their eye, they look away immediately. 

Javi wakes him when they arrive. 

"I really thought you were going to go deaf hermano. I think the whole bus heard the music from your headphones."

Cristo shrugs and walks towards his car. A hand on his wrist making him look up. Luca looks incredibly guilty. He opens his mouth to apologize to say anything, when Cristo just ignores him and gets into his car. His nose was fucking broken and Cristo is incredibly tired. Connor greets him excitedly. For he first time since that accident with Luca, Cristo smiles. He picks up the puppy who proceeds to lick his injured face. 

He falls into bed exhausted. Connor clutched to his chest. The first tears make their way down his cheeks slowly. Cristo opens his eyes with a sigh when there is something wet on his cheek. Blinking he looks up and Connor is barking and jumping on the bed. That's when he notices that the doorbell has rung. Groggily Cristo gets up and shoos his dog away to open the door…

…just to slam it shut almost immediately. 

The doorbell rings and rings. Cristo can't care. He is so incredibly tired. Connor keeps barking in the end Cristo has had enough, his head is exploding. He opens the door with a snarl. There is a slight glimmer of hope in Luca's eyes. 

"What do you want ??" Cristo sounds like he hadn't slept in years. That's how he feels to be honest..

Luca looks unsure. He is playing with his hands nervously. 

"Can I come in, I know I have no right but I have to set this right. Please."

Cristo is too tired to argue. The faster they get this over with the faster Luca will fuck off. He nods and let's Luca in. Luca winces at the state of Cristos face. Damnit. He had just panicked he hadn't meant it like that. He knows he shouldn't have done what he had done.

"What do you want ?? Are you here to mock me ?? Make fun of me." Cristos voice is ice cold and slicing through the air like a knife.

"I came to apologize…"

A laughter fills the air. Luca freezes. He really had come to apologize. That's when his body purely reacts on instinct. He is in Cristos personal space in an instant. Pushing him against the wall. The older ones eyes are hard and ice cold. Luca's heart is beating in his chest. He leans in and captures Cristos lips in a kiss. 

He finds himself on the floor. Blood dripping down his chin.

"OUT."

Luca scrambles away. What had he thought that Cristo would magically forgive him. He had technically outed him in front of them team. Just because Luca is a coward. He shouldn't have kissed him like that Luca is aware of that. He needs to talk to someone about this. His brothers aren't an option. 

He has to talk to someone else. He is a fool if he wasn't so afraid of his father's reaction, if he just wasn't Zidanes son than maybe he could have had a chance with Cristo. The other has said it himself, he was Zidanes son and that's it. He calls his mother, crying.

For the second time in that day, Cristo goes to bed and cries his eyes out. He is so incredibly exhausted. Luca doesn't talk to him. They avoid eachother. Even though Coach had denied what Luca had said about Cristo being gay, the others don't talk to him, except Javi. 

Cristo is about to tie his shoelace when a shadow obscures his vision. He looks up confused. Didn't that guy get it ?? Cristo doesn't want to have anything to do with him. Was this so hard to understand ??

"I…can we talk ?? Please. I really need to set this straight."

Cristos resistance crumbles maybe just maybe the other would leave him alone after this conversation. They enter Luca's car together. The French driving around aimlessly for a while. Neither of them speaking. Cristo is more interested in looking out of the window than looking at Luca, who keeps his eyes on the road. They halt aprubtly.

"Talk I need to get home."

At least Cristo would let him talk. Which was good. The talk with his mother had been the best idea Luca had, had. 

"First of all I want to apologize. I know what I said and did was wrong. You have to understand that I am under immense pressure. I am just Zidanes son, I am never Luca. I am always measured by how good my father was both as a player and manager despite me playing as a goalkeeper. When you said what you said that day I just snapped. I was hurt and angry. It doesn't justify what I said and did to you in return. It was never my intention to humiliate you in that way. You have to believe me. I thought about it for a while. When I kissed you I did it because I wanted to. I have been struggling with that thought. I mean I am Zidanes son I can't be gay. I can't be in love with one of my teammates. That's ridiculous. I am sorry for hurting you…"

Cristo remained silent. He had also been jerk. Kind of. He shouldn't have measured Luca to Zidane. That was just unfair. He had been angry and hurt. 

"I know I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to ask this of you but please could we just try ??"

Cristo looks up. Right into Luca's soul.

"Try what ??"

Luca's heart is beating in his chest. 

"Could there ever be an us ??"

Cristo shoves his hands in his pocket. He doesn't know. That's what he had always wanted and now he is incredibly unsure. Luca's eyes are shining hopefully. They both deserved to be happy right ??

"Maybe."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luca and Cristo take another step together with a few obstacles blocking their way.

To be honest they dance around eachother for quiet a while before even trying to attempt to be in a relationship. Cristo still thinks that Luca might be playing with him. Luca is consumed with feelings of shame and insecurity. It takes them a few months to even talk about this situation. In training they mostly ignore eachother which makes it easier to focus on the pitch. They hold small-talk in the locker room just so that they don't appear too suspicious. 

It's difficult, very difficult but no one said that it would be easy. Luca clings to that small shard of hope. Of possibility, Cristo had given him that day. Cristo approaches him in the locker room that day, their eyes locking, Cristo nods his head towards the door and Luca nods in confirmation. After everyone had left they meet at Cristos car. 

Luca is sure his heart is going to jump out of his chest. His hands are sweaty and there is fear in his heart. Maybe Cristo would tell him that the possibility of them being a thing wasn't there anymore.

"Would you go out to dinner with me tonight ??"

Luca is completely taken aback. Every scenario playing in his head this hadn't been one of the things Cristo would have said to him. Luca is biting his lip nervously while Cristo avoids his eyes. Gently he grabs Cristos wrist and squeezes it, feeling his pulse which is sky high. 

"I would love to go out to dinner with you."

They drive to Cristos and order take-out it's not like they can go to a fancy restaurant together and eat there. Both of them know that but it's better like that. It's nice to be in the privacy of their own houses away from prying eyes. Both of them plop down on Cristos couch.

"What would you like to eat ?? French ?? Italian ?? Spanish ??"

They both settle on Greek food it had been a while Luca had, had some. Cristo is setting up the TV when the doorbell rings. Luca helps him with setting the coffee table in the living room. When Cristo starts the movie.

Harry Potter and the sorcerers stone.

Luca raises an eyebrow at him. A beautiful well shaped eyebrow mind you. Cristo can feel his face heat up.

"Harry Potter really ?? Are we children ??", Luca laughs but it's just teasing laugh, making Cristo shove him lightly. 

"Deal with it Luca if you want to be with me you'll have to endure a Harry Potter Marathon."

"As long as you protect me from the face behind the professors head."

Cristo laughs out loud. It's the first time they are so relaxed and comfortable with eachother. 

"Of course amor anything for you. I will protect you from Lord Voldemorts face."

"Psst don't say his name out loud. He will find us."

Both of them laugh at that. 

After the second movie Luca's head lolls onto Cristos shoulder. Making him freeze for a split second before he relaxes. Luca was here because he wanted to be here. It felt nice. Cristo breathes in and dares to put a featherlight kiss on Luca's perfect hair. That's when Luca stirs and looks at him.

"Is it ok to kiss on the first date ??"

Cristo blushes furiously there aren't rules right ?? Luca should know he had been in relationships with women not him. 

"Is it ok if I kiss you ??"

Cristos mind goes blank, his throat is as dry as sandpaper and he just nods. He had dreamt of this moment countless times. Imagining how Luca's lips would feel on his. He isn't prepared for the softness they have. It's a gentle and short kiss. Just a brushing of lips. Luca pulls back his head redder than a tomato. 

"Sorr-"

Cristo smashes their lips together again before Luca has a chance to finish whatever he wanted to say. The kiss is different this time. It was still shy but also hungry. God he had waited for this for so long. Luca moans lightly as Cristos tongue ask for entrance. His head spinning. They pull apart pressing their foreheads against eachother and panting. 

"I…I should probably go before this gets out of hand."

Cristo nods although he really doesn't want to let Luca go. They agreed to take it slow and there was no way that he would make Luca feel uncomfortable. Luca is rubbing the back of his head shyly when Cristo presses a small kiss against his lips in parting. 

They manage to not be too obvious in training and with the team. They are professionals after all. Although they ache to touch eachother like teammates but they are "fighting" so they just can't pretend everything is ok because it would be suspicious. They just have to lay low for a while. Cristo scores more goals, Luca concedes less. They are doing well as a couple and a team it's nice.

They are laying on the couch together. Well Luca is laying on the couch, his head in Cristos lap as they watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Fingers running through Luca's soft hair. Cristo is poked in the ribs lightly but he ignores Luca just to annoy his boyfriend a little bit. Luca always wanted to have his attention which was his right after all. Cristo liked to rile him up a bit. 

"Cristo ?? Amor ?? Amooooooor."

Cristo laughs softly and arches his eyebrows playfully at his pouting boyfriend. Luca had sat up, his hands on Cristos neck and cheek. Making the older one moan against him. They fall off the couch. Cristo hissing slightly. 

"Sorry amor are you ok ??"

Both of them laugh and make their way upstairs to the bedroom. Cristo snuggles to Luca's chest. It's nice. It's like a dream come true. His boyfriends hands are stroking his back. They fall asleep like that.

 

It was just a matter of time until they were to be discovered. They weren't that good in hiding it although they really tried. They really did. 

It had been a difficult game against Barcelona which they had lost. Cristo is trying to comfort him as much as he can. Hugging him tightly to his chest. Kissing his forehead. In their hurry they haven't noticed that they haven't closed the door properly. Luca had muted his phone. He had, had no intention of speaking to anyone. That's why they don't notice…

Enzo coming in.

Both of them are in their own world for a second when an angry shout makes them break apart. Luca's eyes are wide upon spotting his older brother. Who grabs Cristo by the throat and pushes him to the floor. 

"What the fuck do you think you are doing to my brother ??", Enzos spanish is angry. 

He turns around to Luca who is trying to pry him off off Cristo. He grabs Luca by the arm brusing the skin and slams the door to the kitchen shut. Changing into French so that Cristo wouldn't understand.

"Are you out of your mind Luca ?? What the hell are you doing ?? Letting your teammate kiss and touch you like that ?? Since when are you into men ?? Do you even know what you are doing ?? You are not gay. What if the press gets to know. They will haunt dad down."

"I was being careful…"

"CAREFUL ???"

Luca flinches back at the booming of Enzos voice. He has never seen him that angry before. Never and he is shaking like a leaf. Luca hunches his shoulders. When he had talked to his mother she had said that everything would be ok. Of course he had trusted her words. He is aware that his brothers wouldn't love the idea of Luca being with a guy but he had at least thought that Enzo would be more understanding ?? Since he was the oldest ?? He was wrong obviously. 

"End this madness. End it Luca. Why couldn't you just stay with your girlfriend ??"

Because he didn't love her. Because she had used him for money and fame. She had just dated him because he was Zidanes son. She hadn't dated him because she actually loved him. In the beginning Luca had believed it. Had really thought she loved him but then she just wanted all this expensive stuff and Luca was happy to buy it for her really. She flat out told him that she had dated him for money.

Luca can't tell Enzo though. He wouldn't believe it anyway. He doesn't want to lose his brother or his father but being with Cristo made him feel good it was freeing in a sense. He is happy. So incredibly happy. Cristo makes him laugh and smile. He feels good. 

"No", he says his voice strong.

Enzo looks at him. His eyes wide. Like he can't believe what Luca has said. 

"Are you out of your mind end this bullshit. If you don't want to have a girlfriend fine but not this."

"You are not my father Enzo and you are in my house. Please leave now. Come back when you have calmed down."

"Luca", there is warning tone to Enzos voice. It's his big brother voice. They voice that would make Luca flinch in a corner when he would use one of Enzos toys when they were younger. They aren't young anymore well they aren't kids anymore.

"Please leave now Enzo", Luca points at the door. His brother narrows his eyes and huffs.

"I will tell dad so that he can convince you that this is madness. He will agree with me I am sure."

Enzo slams the door shut and Luca's legs give out. His chest constricting. He can't breathe. Tears prick in his eyes and he just cries. His face is pushed into a chest and Cristo runs his hands up and down his back in comfort. Hosting his boyfriend up and sitting him on the couch. Taking his face in his hands. Kissing his forehead.

"Breathe with me amor."

Luca does. He just breathes while Cristo strokes his arms and his face. Hoisting both of them up Cristo leads them upstairs to the bedroom. Luca curls around himself, stray tears running down his face. Cristo joins him in bed and proceeds to kiss every inch of Luca's face. They fall asleep after a while Luca jerks awake his shirt sticking to his body. He goes downstairs and sits on the couch. There is so much fear in his heart. What if his father would disown him. His mother had said no. She should know right ?? 

Luca is curled up on the couch when Cristo finds him an hour later. Luca lifts his head tiredly.

"Hey can we watch Harry Potter ??"

A soft smile creeps on Cristos face and he puts his boyfriends head in his lap and starts the next part of the movie. Running his hands through Luca's gorgeous hair. The other falls asleep in his lap. 

Nothing happens for a few weeks. Luca is on edge all the time. Cristo trying his best to comfort and distract him. They finish Harry Potter together. Cristo smiles at him and kisses him on the lips and Luca knows that he has made the right decision. He is happy, happier than he had ever been. 

One day they are in bed kissing heatedly. Cristos hands sneak under his t-shirt making Luca moan against his mouth. The shirts are discarded on the floor pretty quickly. Cristo sucking on his neck when a noise makes them break apart. Luca freezes completely. His mouth open like a fish. He stares into his father's eyes and he is terrified. Utterly terrified. Zizou doesn't yell. He never yells. He doesn't this time either he just apologizes and closes the door with a soft click but not before telling Luca that they need to talk.

Cristo takes Luca's face in his hands and kisses his forehead. He knows that Luca is panicking that his boyfriend is probably having a fucking heart attack right now.

"Hey look at me amor, look at me whatever happens I am here ok."

Cristo hugs him tightly and Luca just breathes

Te amo. 

Cristo gathers his clothes and makes his way downstairs. This was still Luca's house and he didn't want to bother anyone. Zidane locks eyes with him and Cristo stands his ground. He loved Luca. Way too much. 

"Whatever you want to say please know that I love your son and I hope you will be able to understand."

With that Cristo walks out of the door. His heart racing. That was Zinedine fucking Zidane he had said those words to but it didn't matter because Cristo hadn't lied. He really did love Luca. 

Luca descends the stairs to see his father sit on the couch. He gulps, his legs are shaking so hard like a new born horse. He doesn't want to talk to his father, he is sure Enzo had talked, his father would hate him. Zidane is incredibly calm he pats the spot next to him on the couch and Luca's legs move on their own. He sits down next to his father and looks at his hands. His shoulders hunched. He expects his father to scold him or call him names. Or anything. 

There is nothing. His father doesn't say a word. A hand is on his neck then Luca is pushed into his father's chest. A hand stroking his neck and back. Zidane never says a thing. He lets Luca cry in his chest. Offering him silent comfort. Luca wipes away some stray tears. He feel so incredibly embarrassed. There is not a hint of disgust or anger in his fathers face. That's when Luca dares to ask.

"Are you not angry with me ??"

Zidane pats his cheek gently.

"Why would I be hijo ?? As long as you are happy."

"But but Enzo he…I…"

"I will talk to Enzo just give him some time. He will come around. He loves you."

Luca chokes. 

"Why are you not angry ?? Shouldn't you be disappointed and disgusted ??"

"Me and your mother had a long talk. You know how she can get. She loves all of you so much and I might have accidentally eavesdropped on your conversation. She scolded me and said that you are still our son it doesn't matter who you love. She is right that's why I married her."

"So you are not angry ??"

"Of course not hijo of course not. Enzo will come around just give him time."

Luca nods. He is so grateful. He hugs his father crying. He so relieved and grateful he can't describe it. When his father leaves Luca tells him he loves him. Of course he loves his father. 

He calls Cristo telling him everything is ok. Finally mustering up to say those words that Cristo had told him to calm him down.

Te amo.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cristo and Luca take the next step in their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for explicit.

A few months had passed. Luca never got a call from Enzo which saddened him. Training with the first team was fun but he missed Cristo. Like a lot. He missed their movie nights where they would rewatch Harry Potter together. Sometimes Cristo would read to him from the books, Luca's head in his lap. A gentle hand running through Luca's hair. Of course they spend time with eachother as much as they could. Luca couldn't help but miss his boyfriend though.

A knock on the door startled him and effectively snapped him out of his thoughts. Opening the door Luca smiles softly. Cristo gives him a wide smile and holds up a plastic bag with food containers inside. Luca nearly tackles him to the ground. Cristo sighs. 

"Sorry amor I just really missed you."

Cristo is helped to his feet. Connor running to him and wagging his tail at his owner, demanding attention. Cristo puts the bag on the coffee table, Luca joining him. They talk and eat for a while. Enjoying eachothers company. They had two off days and they had to use those wisely. Cristo asks how the first team is doing. That loss against Girona still stung. Luca had managed to go see the second half of Castillas match. 

Putting the cutlery down, Luca turns towards Cristo who is about to finish his bite.

"Did you see ??"

Cristo raises his eyebrow at his boyfriend in question and confusion.

"Fede was also at the Castilla game."

Cristo drowns the water bottle.

"So ?? That's not uncommon Luca. You know that we also go to watch the first team play."

"He was waiting for and left with Capi."

This was new. 

"With Capi ?? , Cristo questions confused, "are you sure amor ??"

Luca nods eagerly. Javi was Javi he didn't really talk about his private life. Javi had been the one to reassure him that there was nothing wrong with being with Luca. Cristo had thought he was just saying it because it was his duty as a captain. But maybe there was more. Cristo shakes his head. It didn't matter. Javi could do whatever he wanted. It was no one's business anyway.

Luca pulls at his arm.

"Come here I missed you."

Their lips lock in a kiss. Cristo moaning against Luca's mouth. His fingers curling around his boyfriends shirt. A hand stroking Luca's beautiful face. Luca really was beautiful. The younger bites on Cristos lower lip playfully, making him pant. One of Cristos hands traveling up Luca's thigh. Warmth seeping through Luca's sweatpants. His boxershorts feeling incredibly tight all of a sudden. Luca breaks the kiss and rests his forehead on Cristos. 

Drowning in those beautiful eyes. 

A gentle hand cups his cheek. Cristos thumb stroking over the skin. His eyes skimming Luca's face. Cristo leans in and leaves featherlight kisses all over his boyfriends skin. Kissing every mole on his face. 

"Cris", Luca moans gently as the other kisses and sucks on his jaw. Turning his head to give Cristo more room. A hand sneaks under Luca's shirt. Fingernails scratching lightly against his six pack. Small sounds leave Luca's mouth. When Cristo sucks on the flesh behind Luca's ear the other buckles. Pushing his boyfriend away from him.

"Sorry are you ok ??"

Luca's boxers are uncomfortably tight and his face is flushed. He can feel the heat just radiating off him. A hand is on his knee the other gripping his chin gently and turning his head towards his boyfriend.

"Sleep with me."

Cristo freezes. His eyes wide. Of course he has thought about the possibility but he was still taken aback. His mouth is as dry as a desert. Cristo swallows hard, his voice trembling as he asks:

"Are you sure ?? This would be your first time."

Luca throws himself at his boyfriend. Hugging him tightly and hiding his face in the older ones neck. Cristo can feel Luca's heart beating against his own chest. At least he wasn't the only one who was nervous. Cristo takes the younger ones face in his hands. Losing himself in those beautiful eyes and the moles of course. 

What he had intended to be a gentle kiss turns into a passionate one in seconds. Both of them leaving the couch, careful not to trip over Conner who is snoozing half under the table. Both of them stumbling to the stairs blindly. It's a miracle they make it upstairs unharmed. Cristos hands sneak under Luca's shirt. Pinching his boyfriends nipples. Making the other break the kiss and moan. 

The shirt lands on the floor. This time no one would disturb them. That's what Cristo hopes at least. 

Luca is already breathing heavily. Cristo sucks on his boyfriends collarbone until a mark appears making the other arch his back. His lips finding one of Luca's nipples and sucking and biting on it gently, checking Luca's face for any signs of discomfort. The hardening nipple is pinched gently. Drawing a moan from Luca who supports himself on Cristos shoulders. 

"Are you ok amor ?? Should I stop ??"

Luca shakes his head and plays with the hem of Cristos shirt until he manages to get the fabric off. Dropping it on the floor. Grabbing Cristo by the neck and pushing his tongue into his mouth. Making both of them moan loudly. Meanwhile Cristo is playing with the waistband of Luca's grey sweatpants. His palms grabbing his boyfriends ass gently. Making him squirm. 

"I want to see where else you have got moles. They are beautiful."

Luca blushes, his face turning crimson. Cristos hands disappear in Luca's sweatpants drawing a needy moan from his boyfriend. The older male pressing himself against Luca. Rubbing their half hard clothed members against eachother, while sucking on Luca's neck like a vampire again. 

"Cris, Cris."

Cristo gets rid of the sweatpants and throws them in a corner. Luca shields his body with his arms. Making Cristo look up in confusion. He had already knelt down but he got up immediately. Searching for Luca's eyes. Grabbing his chin gently when the other avoids them.

"Hey everything ok ?? We can stop if you want to."

Luca shakes his head no. He had heard from a lot of girls that he has a nice body. Luca is sure they had only said that because he was Zidanes son and not because they were interested in him anyway. Gentle lips are on his. A hand is in his hair, running through it gently. Cristo searches Luca's eyes for permission which the other grants him by nodding his head. 

Cristo keeps his eyes glued to Luca's who swallows visibly. Taking a deep breath to calm himself down. Cristo noses Luca's clothed member a sucks on the fabric gently. The others hands curling in his hair.  
Cold fingers are hooked inside of Luca's boxershorts and pulled down slowly. A blush creeping on the Frenchs face who is pressing his hand against his mouth to not make a sound. The boxershorts are around his ankles when Cristo looks at him again.

"Hey, hey everything ok. I want to hear you. Unless you feel uncomfortable."

Cristos eyes are kind. So incredibly kind.

"I am scared", Luca whispers. His voice being muffled by his own arm. Cristo kisses his cheek gently to reassure him.

"You tell me to stop and I will."

Luca nods and Cristo kisses his stomach and his belly button before traveling south. His warm breath sending shivers down Luca's spine. His eyes meeting the Spaniard who waits for him to nod. When Luca does, hands land on his hips stroking his side's gently. Cristo kisses his way up to Luca's head before taking his boyfriends member in his mouth and sucking on the head gently, making Luca's toes curl. 

Luca moans loudly as Cristo sucks on his cock harder. His hand curled in his boyfriends hair and shoulder. Cristos lips are slick with spit. Gently he pushes the French on the bed making him sit down while he gets rid of his pants and boxershorts. The latter sticking to his cock uncomfortably. Precum having stained the front. Luca gulps. Cristo is bigger than him.

A hand comes to cup his cheek and Luca looks into Cristos eyes.

"Everything ok amor ??"

Luca nods and a kiss is pressed against his forehead, Cristo kneeling on the bed pushing the younger one into the mattress. The covers are cool and make Luca shiver slightly. Cristo drapes himself across his boyfriends body and they kiss. For a while. Cristo kisses every inch of Luca's face. Every mole. Sucking on his boyfriends earlobe before biting down gently, making the French arch his back off the bed and moan.

That's when Luca notices the bedsheets. 

"Really amor Harry Potter bedsheets."

Cristo blushes embarrassed. He had forgotten to change them. But at least Luca wasn't so tense anymore that was the only thing that mattered. Luca pushes his head into the pillow and just breathes. Cristos lips are everywhere and Luca feels sleepy. He notices that his boyfriend had gotten up. Opening one eye Luca follows him. A tube of lube and a packet of condoms laying on the mattress.

"We can still stop."

Luca shakes his head.

"I want to do this with you."

Cristos heart swells at the trust Luca is giving him everyday. He knows that his boyfriend is still struggling. Cristo uncapps the tube and squeezes a generous amount in his palms.

"It's going to be a bit cold amor."

Despite the warning Luca jumps at Cristos hands. His fingers poking around gently at Luca entrance until the muscle loosens and let's him in. Luca squeezes his eyes shut. His hands curled into the sheets. Cristo moves his finger in and out slowly. Adding a second and eventually a third one. Taking his time. Luca is breathing heavily when Cristo pulls out and opens the condom packet.

"Let me…"

Cristo hands Luca the packet who opens it and rolls it on. Falling back down against the pillows. Cristo spreads Luca's legs and makes himself comfortable. A hand traveling to his boyfriends chest. Feeling his heartbeat underneath. Then he pushes in slowly, Luca tenses at first, Cristos fingers drawing circles on his hips and relaxing the French effectively. Both of them pant when Cristo is fully inside. Giving his boyfriend time to adjust.

"Move please move."

Cristo obliges. Capturing Luca's lips in a kiss and starting to thrust. Slowly at first. His boyfriends long legs wrap themselves around his hips. Locking them together. Then Luca screams in pleasure, throwing his head back and repeating his boyfriends name like a mantra.

"Cris. Cris. Cris."

Cristo hides his face in the others neck and moans. Luca was so tight but it felt good. Really good. 

"Cristo por favor."

Cristo moans. His hand finding Luca's cock and stroking it to match his thrusts. He sees Luca's eyes roll to the back of his head. His lower lip captured between his teeth. His eyes squeezed shut. Cristo is sure there will be streaks on his back. Luca's fingernails scratching across his back and digging into his flesh. There is no pain just pleasure. It feels so good. 

Cristos hand strokes Luca's cock faster. His boyfriend spills in his hand with a cry. His body arching off the mattress and trembling before he tries to regain his breathing. Stray tears running down his cheeks. Cristo stops immediately. His own climax forgotten.

"Luca. Amor are you ok ?? Did I hurt you ??"

Luca shakes his head and lifts his it to kiss him on the lips. Cristo starts chasing his own orgasm. Hiding his face in Luca's neck who holds him close. 

"Amor I am so close. I am so close. I am going t… LUCA."

Cristo falls against Luca exhausted. His whole body trembling with aftershocks. Gently he pulls out and throws the condom in a bin before getting a towel and cleaning Luca up. They settle into bed together. Kissing lazily.

"Je t'aime mon amour."

Cristo smiles softly and nuzzles his nose against the back of Luca's neck. 

"Te amo tambien amor."

They fall asleep like that. 

 

Cristo hides his face in his boyfriends neck and pulls the blanket over his head. Connor won't stop barking. With a sigh Cristo kisses the back of Luca's neck before sitting up. His hand is still trapped in Luca's. Who has rested their interlaced hands on his stomach. A soft smile dancing on Cristos lips while he brushes some stray strands out of his boyfriends face. A bark breaks the moment and Cristo gets up.

Cristo gets dressed and throws on a hoodie. Connor is barking at the door. Which is ringing. Making Cristo frown. The mailman never rang. Gently he shoos Connor away from the door and opens it. He freezes. 

"I want to speak to my brother."

Cristo is unsure of what to do. His and Enzos last encounter hadn't gone well. Zidane must have talked some sense into his son then. Cristo knows how important Enzo is to Luca. He lets the older Zidane in. Calling off Connor who is growling at the French by picking him up and bringing him upstairs. Luca is still asleep.

Connor is sat on the bed and proceeds to lick Luca's face who stirs and blinks sleepily.

"Cris ?? What is going on ?? Are you ok ??"

Cristo takes his boyfriends hand in his and squeezes it. Luca searching his eyes.

"Enzo is downstairs."

Luca sits up like a rocket and gets dressed in record speed. He is terrified. Cristo takes him into his arms and kisses his forehead reassuringly. Before going back to bed and Connor sitting on his chest. With a deep breath Luca goes down the stairs. Enzo is looking at a frame on a shelf. Cristo is smiling in the camera while Luca is kissing his cheek. His brother leaves the frame and turns around to look at him.

Luca hunches his shoulders. He is terrified. Dad had said he would fix this. Of course Luca believes him.

"Enzo…"

There is something in Enzos eyes that scares Luca.  
His brother looking at him. Up and down.

"You fucked didn't you ??"

There is pure terror in Luca's eyes. He is sure he is as white as a sheet. His knees feel like jelly. Enzos voice sounds incredibly accusing. It is like venom. Luca wants to throw up.

"Dad said he would talk to you..."

"He did but that doesn't change the fact that I don't have to like this phase you are going through."

"It's not a phase."

"What are you going to tell me you love him ??"

Luca looks at his feet. He would lose his brother either way it didn't matter anymore did it ??

"I do. I do love him."

Something in Enzos eyes changes. Maybe he had expected for Luca to tell him that he didn't love Cristo. Enzo shakes his head. A sad expression on his face.

"So you really did choose him over us."

Luca shakes his head. He didn't. Why couldn't he have both ??

"I hope you are happy Luca. Happy with your decision."

"Enzo por favor…"

His brother slams the door shut. Luca's knees give out and he sobs bitterly. There is an arm around his shoulder and Luca hides his face in Cristos shirt. Sobbing loudly. 

"Shh amor I am here. It's ok I am here."

Cristo rocks them back and forth before leading them on the couch and placing Luca's head in his lap. Wiping away the tears from his eyes. His heart breaking in the process. He really had hoped that Enzo would come around for Luca's sake but maybe some people were not meant to be saved. 

Cristo places a gentle kiss against Luca's forehead. 

He needed to fix this. For Luca. 

He would fix this. He would.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All loose ends are tied up eventually.

Cristo sighs when the warm body next to him leaves. The win yesterday had been incredible and Cristo was incredibly proud of the team and because of his goal of course. They had stumbled through the door and had euphoria take over. It hadn't been as good as their first time but it still had been incredible.

"Hey where are you going ??", Cristo asks sleepily but not bothering to open his eyes. 

Luca turns towards him and is about to grab his boxershorts from the floor. Cristo has his tattooed arm pressed against his eyes. His other hand stroking the Frenchs back who has it turned towards him still sitting on the bed.

"Solari called me up to go to Valencia."

Luca sees Cristos forehead crease in confusion the other still not bothering to open his eyes. He turns towards Luca though and presses kisses against his lower back. Pressing his nose against Luca's spine. His warm breath making Luca shiver.

"Are you even going to sit on the bench ?? I love you playing for the first team amor but calling you up right after a game for Castilla ?? He could have called up Altube."

Luca chuckles softly.

"You are only saying that because you wanted me to stay in bed with you."

Cristo grunts and presses wet kisses against Luca's flesh. The French untangeling himself from his boyfriend and holding his hand out, smiling. Cristo raises an eyebrow at him playfully before taking the outstretched hand and letting himself be led to the bathroom. 

A steaming mug is pressed in Cristos hand when he comes out of the shower, a towel on his head rubbing his hair dry. Accepting the mug gratefully and kissing Luca on the lips. A bark makes them break apart. Connor wagging his tail at them and looking at the door. 

"I'll prepare breakfast and you'll go out with him ??"

Cristo puts the mug on the kitchen table and throw on a hoodie, grabbing Connors leash and closing the door with a soft click. A gust of wind making him shiver slightly. Connor barking snaps him out of his thoughts and Cristo fastens the leash on the dogs collar and begins jogging at a slow pace.

Connor walks to his filled bowl immediately as soon as the door opens and Cristo plops down next to Luca on the kitchen table who had prepared breakfast. 

"I tried calling Enzo when you went for a walk with Connor."

Cristo looks up from the scrambled eggs and tomatos on his plate. His forehead creasing in worry. Luca's face tells him everything he needed to know. The older Zidane hadn't reacted to his brothers calls yet again. Since that incident a two weeks ago, Luca had tried calling the older one nearly everyday. 

"He didn't pick up again did he ??"

Luca shakes his head. Avoiding Cristos eyes and biting his lower lip. Cristo cups his cheek gently, wiping away a few stray tears. Luca cried himself to sleep because his brother wouldn't talk to him. Sometimes he would just cry in Cristos chest, other times he would try to muffle his sobs so that Cristo wouldn't hear him. Cristo always heard him. 

"Should I talk to him ??"

Luca gaps at him like a fish and shakes his head vehemently.

"I don't want him to hurt you."

"Amor let me help."

Luca pushes his face into Cristos neck and just breathes. Maybe there was no talking to Enzo. The French wipes his eyes dry and goes to the bedroom to prepare himself. He had to leave in a bit. He really wants to fix this situation with Enzo. He misses his brother, he really does. Cristo kisses him goodbye and wishes them good luck. Fortunately the first team wins but they don't have lot of time to relax. 

A day after training Luca tells him that he is going to spend time with his family. 

"It's going to be ok amor you know where I am if you need me."

Luca is shaking when he starts the car. He actually sits in his car and contemplates driving back to Cristo. Luca doesn't want to be here. Of course he wants to see his younger brothers and his parents. But it also means seeing Enzo. Luca is not ready. He really isn't. He feels like throwing up. His mother would probably cry if he didn't show up. To be honest he had missed his family.

All of them. He missed Enzo. He missed the conversations they would have.

You chose him over us.

A knock on his window makes Luca nearly shit his pants. His mother looking at him. Luca breathes out and exits the car. His mother hugging him tightly. Luca feels as if he has disappointed her. He feels like he shouldn't be here. He wants to go home to Cristo and crawl under a blanket. Luca dares to ask:

"Is Enzo going to be there too ??"

His mother sighs and kisses his forehead.

"Of course he will be. This is a family dinner. Come on."

Luca is shaking he really wants to call Cristo now.  
His mother turning towards him when they are about to go to the living room.

"Why didn't you bring your boyfriend ??"

"We both know if I would have done that Enzo wouldn't have come."

His mother pats his cheek and they enter the living room together. Upon spotting him Enzo places the controller he had, had in his hand on the table and leaves the living room. Not looking at Luca who hunches his shoulders and looks at his feet. A hand is tugging at his and Elyaz is looking at him.

"Can we play together ??"

A soft smile creeps on Luca's face. His youngest brother leading him to the couch and handing him a controller. Their father arrives about an hour later. Luca's phone pings in his pants, making Luca smile. Cristo had send him a picture with himself and Connor watching Harry Potter. Luca sends a heart back. Elyaz nudging him in the ribs. Luca reasumes playing until their mother calls them to eat dinner. 

All of them gathering around the table. Their mother asking them how they are doing. Mostly Enzo and Luca. Praising Luca for having made the first team. Luca can't feel proud though. Whenever Enzo looks at him, his eyes are ice cold and Luca pushes his food on his plate uninterested. Upon getting up and going to his room Luca halts in his tracks, his mother and Enzo are discussing. He can hear Enzos enraged voice, Luca doesn't want to listen to it anymore. 

Enzo passes him by when they go to their rooms, his mother had also wanted to have breakfast with them the next morning. So they would spend the night at their parents. Luca wished he wouldn't. Enzos eyes are ice cold and Luca sighs. He really wants to talk to his brother.

"Enzo can we talk please ??"

Enzo scoffs and shakes his head. 

"You are not my brother there is nothing to talk about you made your choice and I made mine."

Luca's shoulders slump and the door to Enzos room shuts with a soft click. Luca climbs into bed, the first tears making their way down his cheeks. He dials a number and waits for Cristo to pick up. He needs to hear the others voice. After the third ring Cristo talks to him. About everything and nothing. Luca just listens. Listens to his voice which is soothing his soul like honey. He falls asleep like that.

A noise startled him and Luca sits up aprubtly squinting his eyes to see in the darkness. 

"Elyaz ?? What are you doing here buddy ??"

"I couldn't sleep. I had a nightmare. Can I sleep here tonight, please ??"

Luca sighs and pats the spot next to him. His brother snuggles to his chest. 

"We won't tell mom right ??"

Luca smiles softly.

"Of course not."

Luca is about to falls asleep again when Elyaz shuffles and asks him a question. 

"Does your boyfriend make you happy ??"

Luca freezes. His heart is beating in his chest. His mouth feeling dry. He has no idea what to say to that. Elyaz was 12. Still Luca has no idea how to handle the situation. 

"Yes he does."

Luca can see his brother smile in the darkness.

"If he hurts you I am going to kick his ass."

Luca's heart swells. Elyaz pats his shoulder gently before snuggling into his chest. The knot in Luca's chest loosens and he falls asleep. The next morning all of them have breakfast. Elyaz and Theo demanding to play, PlayStation all four of them. Enzo doesn't say no to that which makes Luca sigh in relief. He hugs his parents tightly before going to his car. 

Enzo is following him.

"Are you happy now ?? Do you really think that mom and dad will accept that. Do you read think that they want a faggot as a son ?? You are pathetic."

Luca has no strenght to reply he just gets in his car and cries. His face pressed against the steering wheel. He just wants his brother back. It's a miracle Luca makes it home in one piece. Cristo greeting him at the door. Luca cries in his chest and that's when Cristo decides he has got enough. Enough of Luca hurting. Enough of Luca crying himself to sleep. 

Enough.

He puts his distraught boyfriend to bed. Leaving Connor with him and exits the house. He needs to talk to the eldest Zidane. Luca didn't deserve this. This was madness and Cristo has had enough. He knocks on Enzos door and waits. The older Zidanes eyes are hard and ice cold upon spotting him. 

"What the fuck do you want here ?? Are you here to ruin my life too ??"

Cristo raises an eyebrow in confusion. He is doing this for Luca. 

"Your brother is crying his eyes out."

Enzo shrugs. "Not my fault he is a sissy who can't handle anything."

"What is your problem anyway. Luca is doing anyone any harm. Why do you even care who he is with anyway ?? It's not like you are with a man."

Enzo roars at him and demands that he leaves the house. That's when the piece finally click together in Cristos head. It's like enlightenment he can't quiet grasp what it is.

"Your problem is not Luca being with a man. Your problem is you not coming to terms that you could be also into men after seeing your brother am I right ??"

Something in Enzos face changes. He is as white as a ghost. Cristo is not prepared to be thrown on the floor and being punched in the face. A hand curls around his throat. Maybe he shouldn't have said that. 

"You are jealous because Luca is having something you can't have. Or are too afraid to admit you want it."

Cristo is punched in he face. Seeing stars. This isn't good. He tries kicking Enzo away but the hands on his throat loosen and Cristo tries to get air into his lungs. Enzo is kneeling on the floor. His face in his hands and crying his eyes out. 

"You are right I am jealous. Jealous because my brother is happy with a guy. We are still Zidanes sons and eventually someone will discover it. I Don't want him to hurt. But I am envious of the thing he has got with you. The way he looks at you. Like you are the most precious thing in his world. I would never dare to think about that possibility."

Cristo gets up from the floor and sighs.

"Maybe you should have talked to Luca before making this mess."

Enzo is still kneeling on the floor, while Cristo gets up and squeezes his shoulder. 

"Call him. Talk to him, he will understand."

Cristo returns home. Snuggling to Luca and not even bothering to clean his face. He is incredibly tired. In the end he kind of understands Enzo and Luca. Both of them had been afraid. It's human and that's ok.  
The next day Luca gets a phonecall from his brother. The Spaniard encouraging him to talk to the older Zidane. Luca is gone for three hours. He returns home crying which alerts Cristo.

"Hey what happened are you ok ??"

Luca hugs him tightly. Hiding his face in Cristos neck and nodding. Cristos shoulders slump in relief. The French cups his cheeks and kisses him on the lips. Moaning against his mouth.

"Merci mon amour. Je t'aime."

Cristos heart melts and he places his forehead against his boyfriends. Laughing happily.

"Te amo mi amor."

They would be ok, Cristo is sure.


End file.
